Ask Dr. Keith,

I’m a 25-year-old woman who’s been struggling with dating and finding the right man. I’m feeling frustrated and heartbroken because I was recently dumped by a guy I thought might be the one. He was the person I envisioned marrying and having children with. We had been dating for about three months, and everything seemed perfect. He introduced me to his best friend and their group of friends, and we were planning to spend the weekend with his family at their vacation home. He was incredibly attentive, sending flowers, cooking delicious dinners and always saying the right things. I was falling hard for him and believed that he felt the same way. Things were great, but then everything changed abruptly. He went away for a business trip and didn’t make any effort to contact me. It drove me crazy. When he finally got home, he coldly asked me to meet him for dinner. Something felt off, so I asked him to come by my house instead, where he broke up with me. I’m devastated.

The bigger issue is that this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. My longest relationship was my junior and senior years of college. He was a player and repeatedly cheated on me. I was in a sorority and afraid to break up with him because everyone I hung out with had boyfriends, and I didn’t want to have to go alone to college events. It was more important for me to stay in a bad relationship than to be dateless. I lacked confidence and didn’t feel good about myself and still struggle with self worth. He eventually chose another girl and ended our relationship. Again, I was hurt. I don’t date much by choice. I get asked out but continually make excuses to avoid making a commitment until they eventually lose interest. I have a great group of friends that are always trying to set me up. They constantly tell me how funny, cute and what a catch I am; however, I don’t feel the same. I’ve had four relationships since college that sizzled but fizzled quite quickly. I’m struggling because no matter what I do, I can’t hold on to a man. I’m having a hard time trying to understand. What’s wrong with me?

~ Beth M., Huntersville

Hey Beth,

Dating can be quite challenging, regardless of your age. I’ve encountered similar experiences with older clients. Unfortunately, ghosting, ignoring phone calls and ending relationships through texting or email have become common practices. Breakups are never easy, even when there’s a valid reason to end the relationship, such as infidelity, physical or mental abuse. These issues aren’t limited to women; men are also suffering. In reality, dating is a game of numbers. I liken it to buying a car; it’s wise to test drive different models with various accessories to find what suits you best. Patience and taking your time are crucial. By doing so, you may eventually find a classic; a relationship you’ll cherish for a lifetime.  

Instead of dwelling on perceived flaws, seize this opportunity to embark on a journey of self improvement. Work on developing the confidence and self worth you may be lacking. The best time to focus on self improvement is before entering a committed relationship. Your 20s are an ideal period to concentrate on your career and establish a solid foundation for your future. The path you choose may undergo numerous changes before you discover something that ignites your passion and purpose. However, this potential can be hindered by making poor choices and settling for the wrong person.

I’ve witnessed many young adults succumbing to the fear of being alone or falling in love and making decisions that trap them. I’ve seen many young people fall in love, marry too soon and start a family before they’re financially and emotionally ready. They stay in jobs they hate just to make ends meet and drift apart. Many of those relationships end up in divorce. Is this what you want for your life? There’s nothing wrong with you. So far, you’ve just chosen the wrong men. Be patient and choose to do the work to become the best version of yourself. You’ll start to realize your true potential and value. You’ll make better choices regarding relationships and connect with people who will value and support you.

As far as the men in your past go, keep telling yourself that losing you is their loss. Use them as an example of what to avoid. The mistakes we make are our opportunities to learn and grow, if we choose to. You can live in the past or learn from it; just don’t allow it to define you. You don’t need a man to be whole; you just need to be whole to find the right man.