Dear Dr. Keith,
We have just moved to North Carolina, and both our children are going to start new schools in the fall. They both experienced bullying at their old school where they had been students for a number of years. They’re both terrified of starting over in a new community, school and afraid of being bullied. They’re a little shy and socially awkward. We aren’t sure how to calm their fears, and we are also possibly overly concerned because of their previous experience. What can we, as parents, do to support our children and stop the bullies?
~ Sandra P., Huntersville
Hey Sandra,
That is a great question, and you are not alone. Today, everyone is obsessed with bullies. Wherever you turn, someone is talking about bullying, and rightly so. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month, a child is bullied every seven minutes on a playground, yet, an adult intervenes only four percent of the time, and peers only eleven percent. Eighty-five percent of bullying on playgrounds goes ignored. In order to deal with this growing problem, we must first understand the circumstances that create such disturbing behavior.
Why do bullies bully? Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, lack of confidence and I could mention numerous other traits, but basically, it’s low self-esteem. Bullies have little or no self-esteem, and they prey on the kids who also exhibit low self-esteem. Poor self-esteem is not just the cause of bullying, it’s the cause of being bullied, as well. That’s the problem. Most parents I talk with believe that bullies are the sole cause of bullying, and that is not the case. This is why looking to authority figures for the cure isn’t working, and parents are growing increasingly frustrated, anxious and angry.
We need to rethink the concept that bullying, in and of itself, is the problem, because the core issue behind bullying isn’t bullying; it is the lack of healthy self-esteem in our culture. While the focus is on the bullies, the solution to stopping bullying must also involve the children who unknowingly allow themselves to be bullied. The deeper issue behind bullying is the general deterioration of a sense of self-worth in our youth. It has become very clear, and no one can do anything about it except us, the parents.
Poor self-esteem in children has reached epidemic proportions, and some saw it coming. The results of a study published in Aggressive Behavior in July 2001 indicated, “high self-esteem protects children and adolescents from involvement in bullying. Thus, it’s recommended that top priority be given by parents and teachers to preventing and reducing feelings of poor self-worth among children and adolescents.” That was true then, and it is true today. When children have good self-esteem, the bullies can’t get to them because they won’t allow it. It’s important for parents to know that healthy self-esteem is built through accomplishment and to avoid rewarding mediocrity. Compliments don’t build confidence. In life, not everyone wins or gets a trophy, however, it feels great when we earn one.
How can you help your children build healthy self-esteem? First, become the person you want your children to become. They learn more by what they see than by what they hear. Give them chores starting at an early age, tasks designed to teach them to be responsible and disciplined, and skills that will build confidence that they can carry with them into adulthood. Making the bed first thing in the morning, taking out the trash, taking care of pets and doing yard work are examples of daily responsibilities to help your kids earn that feeling of accomplishment. Enforce consequences for poor behavior and choices, and reward the good. If you choose to parent fear-based, worried your children will not like or love you for making them accountable or choose to enable or entitle them, you’ll fail them and take away their opportunities to develop confidence and self-worth. Healthy self-esteem is built through accomplishment and achievement, so encourage and nurture that, and they’ll be able to stand up to the bullies of the world.
Our job as parents is to teach our kids to become accountable, adaptable, responsible, respectable and resilient in a world that’s not fair and one that’s constantly changing. Our job is to prepare them for that world. Doing your job will help them to learn from their mistakes, adapt to change, make better choices and thrive in life. Too many parents want to be their kids’ friends and enable or entitle them. This will ultimately cripple them by taking away their opportunity to earn things, accomplish things and build healthy self-esteem, making them a target for bullies.
Helping your children develop healthy self-esteem cannot begin too early. It must be done by the parents, in the home environment. Merely punishing bullies won’t stop bullying. Improving your children’s self-esteem will. Because, when children have good self-esteem, bullying, jealousy and prejudice are minimized or disappear altogether.
