Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 28-year-old woman who’s been dating my boyfriend for more than three years. We’re both in the hospitality industry and met while working at the same property. A few months after we started dating, he got a promotion that would require him to move to Portland, Oregon. Since we were going to attempt a long distance relationship anyway, I accepted a promotion that would require me to move to Charlotte. When my boyfriend and I met, we talked about what we wanted in a relationship. We discussed the future regarding marriage, children and goals, and were in sync. We fell in love and committed to our current long distance relationship. Our differences started to rear their ugly heads quite quickly. I’m not much of a drinker, and he likes to drink a little too much. He’s more of an introvert than I am. He’s obsessed with playing video games where I prefer hiking, biking and other outdoor activities. I’m close with my family; he’s not. I was clear with him that I wanted to be engaged within a year of us committing to each other; it’s now been more than three years and no engagement. The distance wasn’t an issue at first. We made sure I’d go to Portland or he’d come here at least every other month. We get along great when we’re together, however, the situation has become more difficult as time has passed. We used to talk or text every day, now, maybe three times a week. He’s been going out frequently with co-workers drinking until early in the morning. He’s been reprimanded multiple times for being late to work, and we’ve been fighting a lot. I only know this because these are things he’s told me; who knows what he hasn’t been forthright about? When I first met him, I was sure he was the man I was going to marry, but now I’m not so sure. He’s not the same man I fell in love with, however, I don’t want to fail him. He recently told me that if this is going to work, one of us has to move, and it’s not going to be him. Do I take a chance, give up my wonderful job and city that I enjoy to honor my commitment and see if we have a future together, or should I let go of the man I love?

~ Cynthia M., Charlotte

Hey Cynthia,

  Congratulations on finding a job and city that you enjoy. That in and of itself is a challenge for most people. If you’re truly honest with yourself, this relationship has many red flags that are quite large. The question you need to ask yourself is, “Did I fall in love with the man or the illusion of what I think the man, and relationship could be?” It’s never a good thing to want something so badly that it blurs your judgment. The old saying, “Love is Blind” is true because love is blinding at times. Long distance relationships rarely survive; they’re generally unsustainable. You need to invest time in getting to know someone, especially if you’re going to commit to raising children and spending the rest of your lives together. That’s a challenge when you’re not sharing the daily routines of each other’s lives, the good, bad and ugly. Throughout my life and in my career, the relationships I’ve observed that have been successful are based in love, friendship, good communication and commonality. Your differences will become more challenging as your relationship progresses. Unfortunately, many people get married for the wrong reasons: family pressure, peer pressure, time clock ticking and religious beliefs instead of love. Many people in those marriages are unhappy, unfulfilled and too many end in divorce. Relationships are not about sacrifice, they’re about compromise and, more importantly, they are about negotiation. One year has become three, drinking until all hours of the night, problems at work – all of these aren’t behaviors of a responsible person. If you think marriage is the solution for his issues, there’s a good chance you’ll be disappointed. I don’t believe it’s a good idea for anyone to let a man, woman or relationship get in the way of their dreams. The right partner will support those dreams. We all have idealistic and realistic views and choices. If you look at your situation realistically, he’s made it obvious, he’s not ready to grow up and commit. In marriage, do you want to have a partner or raise an adult-child? Are you willing to give up the wonderful life you’re creating here for what may be an illusion? Thoughts to ponder, your choice.