Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 30-year-old man who recently got married to a wonderful woman who’s helped me straighten out my life. When we met, I was in a dark place and alcohol was my escape. I was a functioning alcoholic with a successful contracting business, however undeserving I felt. Despite my efforts to sabotage myself, the business and my life, I’ve been fortunate to maintain good business relationships due to the quality of my work, which was becoming more difficult because of my drinking. I started showing up late, missing deadlines and becoming unreliable. Drinking became my coping mechanism to escape the negativity, physical and mental abuse of my parents. Growing up, home was a living hell for me. I was ridiculed, criticized and constantly told what a loser I was and that I’d never amount to anything. Fortunately, my friend’s father took me under his wing and hired me to work with him remodeling homes. He became my mentor, helped me find my passion and start my own company, much to the dismay of my parents. They wanted me to go to college, saying no child of theirs should do manual labor. The hypocrisy is disheartening to me. Neither one of my parents attended college and couldn’t afford to help me if I chose to go. Thanks to my wife, I’m sober now and my business and life are good, however, the feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness and worthlessness from the programming of my parents still linger. Here’s my issue. My wife’s family invited us to celebrate Thanksgiving with them, and we’ve accepted the invitation. My parents have offered to pay for my ticket to fly out to their house and spend Thanksgiving with them, excluding my wife. My warped sense of obligation, as an only child, has left me feeling guilty and confused. I want to be with my wife during the holidays and declined their offer. Now, they’re angry and refusing to answer my phone calls. Did I do the right thing? Could I have done things differently?

~ Stuart K., Charlotte

Hey Stuart,

Congratulations on becoming sober, and always remember the only drink you have to quit is the next one. We can always do things differently; that doesn’t mean it’s better. When there’s change in family dynamics, such as a marriage, death of a loved one or disagreement on how a situation should be handled, drama tends to follow. It’s your choice of whether or not you allow it to affect you and your choices. Holidays are occasions that need to be negotiated between you and your wife. It’s good to consider family traditions, however, it’s okay to start your own traditions. You are a grown man, and your only obligation is to yourself and your family. Your wife is your atomic family and needs to be your priority. Wanting to be with her during the holidays is the right decision, regardless of what your parents think or want. Offering to buy you a ticket and suggesting you leave your wife at home is just another form of control and manipulation. This can only happen if you allow it. By saying “no” to their request, you set a healthy boundary which is a great first step. It’s not only important to continue to set healthy boundaries with your parents, and others like them; it’s also vital for you to move beyond their negative programming, maintain your sobriety, develop a healthy relationship with yourself and build a strong bond with your wife. I’ve said it before, college is not for everyone. You’ve been fortunate to find something you’re passionate about that can support your lifestyle, and that’s a blessing. Many people graduate from college without direction or passion and end up in a job that they dislike. This negatively affects all aspects of their lives. You’ve avoided making that mistake. Be grateful and proud of what you’ve accomplished, and allow yourself to enjoy what you are creating. We were not put in this world to meet the expectations of others. It sounds like your parents had unrealistic expectations of you which is their issue, not yours. They’re possibly not capable of appreciating you and your talents because their lives haven’t turned out the way they expected, projecting their resentment and bitterness on you. They can’t be happy for you because they’re not happy with themselves. Saying “no” to your parents was the right thing to do. Moving forward, minimizing your time with them will allow you to focus on the important things, your sobriety, marriage and life.