Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a fifty four year old fit and attractive woman who’s been divorced for about 5 years. I have two grown children who have both graduated college and have secured good jobs. Both are in apparently healthy relationships, with one recently getting married. I have no relationship with their father who was physically and emotionally abusive; a narcissist according to the therapist we/I saw during and after the demise of our marriage. My children struggle with their feelings toward their father and are currently in therapy dealing with those issues. They don’t want to bring the toxicity created by their upbringing into their current relationships. I appreciate their proactiveness and courage to face their past and move beyond the drama, setting healthy boundaries with their father. Unfortunately, it took me way too long to do so, and finally leave. I was concerned that my relationship with my children would be damaged beyond repair, because of the story my ex-husband wrote of why I left. He could’t believe I would leave and told our kids and friends horrible lies. Some of our friends believed him, some didn’t. Fortunately my kids didn’t buy into his stories, and I’m no longer friends with the ones who did. 

I made a conscious decision not to date for a while, choosing to get help through therapy and self discovery. I’m currently in a much better space, physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve done well with my career, investments and am contemplating retiring. However, I’m an empty nester and not sure what my next chapter will be. I started dating about a year ago and wasn’t sure how to jump in. I didn’t realize how difficult dating, especially at my age would be. A friend of mine suggested I try on-line dating, and helped me build my profile. I put it on multiple sights and have gone on multiple dates, mostly disappointed by the quality of men I have met. I dated one person for a few months, until his insecurities, jealousy and need to control everything; including me, became intolerable and I ended it. I thank God I was strong enough to walk away, therapy saved me. I even paid a dating service to help me which was a waste of time and money, same results. I don’t want to settle for just anyone. Idealistically, I’d like to find my soulmate and fall in love, however, I don’t know if I know what love is. I thought I was in love with my husband, but I think I was afraid of being alone and stayed. I allowed him to make me feel weak, insecure and incapable of doing life without him. I don’t believe that now, and like who I am. Fortunately, I have a great group of friends to do things with, and keep me busy. I do feel like somethings missing, and I believe that’s a healthy, loving relationship with a man.  Do I want to do life without a partner? No. Will I? If necessary, yes. Now that you know some of my background, what advice do you have for me regarding retirement, dating and life moving forward? I would appreciate some guidance.

Candice M.

Charlotte NC

Hey Candice,

Congratulations on having the courage and strength to leave a toxic relationship. Unfortunately, there are those who choose to live a fear based life, wasting years of their lives and staying in the negativity. Good on you to remove yourself. Fortunately for you, your children understood why you left and didn’t buy into their father’s stretching of the truth. Most children find it difficult to separate the truth from their feelings, become confused and fearful of betraying their mother or father. They feel like they have to choose sides and develop negative feelings that they carry into adulthood and their relationships. Your children were wise to not allow themselves to fall into that trap. As far as their relationship with their father goes, it’s not yours and you’ll be smart to stay out of it. They have to figure it out and continue to set healthy boundaries which can be challenging, especially when dealing with a narcissist. It sounds like your kids are wise beyond their years, choosing to do the work necessary to move beyond the negative and creating wonderful lives for themselves, rejecting the victim narrative. Be proud, you’ve raised them right. When someone makes the choice to get a divorce, they’re not only divorcing their spouse, but also some of their friends. The people who chose to believe your ex-husband and no longer want to be your friend are people you don’t want in your life anyway. Their loss, your gain.

Dating can be a challenge and social media makes it more so. In theory, dating sites open up opportunities to meet people you may not come across in your daily life. That number is dictated by the number of miles you’re willing to travel to meet someone. The downside is someone can be anyone they want to be behind a computer, creating an illusion of who they really are. Their profile photo may be from 20 years ago, pretending to be younger than they are. They may be married, and saying they’re not. I’ve heard more horror stories, then Cinderella stories regarding dating site romances over the years, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be one of the good ones. I still like the organic way, meeting in person. It’s important to put yourself out there to meet quality people, and not wait for it to come to you. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends or co-workers if they know any successful single men they could introduce you to. Many successful relationships come from those introductions. Take golf lessons and maybe join a country club, lots of single men play golf. Take swing dance lessons, both singles and couples sign up. A lot of dance studios will open up their club a couple of nights for open dance, where you’ll have an opportunity to meet single men. Look up the site meetup.com. It’s a national website for groups/organizations in different cities to expand membership. Singles, hiking, pickleball and social clubs are just examples of what you can find on the site. My recommendation for a first date is coffee, small time commitment. I believe you’ll know within fifteen minutes or so if you want to see someone again, or not. You either have chemistry with someone, or you don’t. You can’t manufacture it, so don’t settle. If you connect with someone online. Set up a phone conversation within a couple of days, and meet for coffee within a couple of weeks. If they balk at that, red flag. Don’t waste your time texting or emailing for weeks or months without meeting in person, scam alert. Most important, trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Be patient, have fun and stay aware. As far as retirement goes, go for it, that’s what you’ve worked for your entire life. I’ve found the people that struggle with retirement, have no purpose and we all need to have it. The good news is you get to write your story and make this a wonderful chapter. Travel, family, good friends and healthy relationships can enhance your experiences and help to create great memories, the road to a purposeful life. Don’t be afraid. The one certainty in life is uncertainty, embrace it…