Dear Dr. Keith

I’m a 37-year-old widow with two children, a 10-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter. My husband, the love of my life, passed suddenly a little more than two years ago. He was a great husband, father and friend; our life together was wonderful and our kids adored him. He had a fulfilling job, substantial pension, life insurance and invested well. He made sure that if anything happened to him, we’d be set for life. Devastated by our loss, the kids and I struggled for more than a year to adapt to life without him, still trying to adjust. I became depressed and somewhat reclusive. 

Normally good students, both kids struggled in school and had a hard time adjusting. It was challenging, being a good mother and filling the void created by his passing; trying to be both mother and father to our grieving children. In time, we started to heal, and we’re all doing better. The kids’ grades have improved and both are involved in sports. 

Since his passing, I’ve been in therapy and re-engaged with friends who have been extremely supportive. Often, I find myself being the third wheel when joining them. Quite frankly, I’m lonely. My friends and therapist have been encouraging me to start dating, and I believe I might be ready. My fear is that it will ruin my relationship with my kids, and it will betray the memory of my husband. Is it selfish to want another person to share my life with? Has enough time gone by to even consider dating? Will I be abandoning my children by bringing a potential partner into their lives? Will I be able to recreate the wonderful life we had with my husband? The fear of the unknown has me paralyzed. I need your help.

Jenna P. ~ Davidson, NC

Hey Jenna,

 I’m sorry for the loss of your husband; it’s always a challenge when we lose someone we love. Grief doesn’t have a set schedule, and the adjustment time for each of us is different, with some people taking longer than others. To tell you it’s okay to start dating again, or not, isn’t up to anyone but you. It’s not the mistakes we make that are hard to live with, it’s the regrets. Will you regret continuing to live in fear, hiding your true feelings from your children, being lonely and pretending to be happy, or giving yourself an opportunity to fall in love again?

Is it wrong to want to build a relationship with someone who brings you joy, enhances your life and, if all goes well, wants to grow old with you. I don’t think so. What’s important is for you to communicate with your kids honestly about how you’re feeling and your desire to date again. Children generally want their parents to be happy, and if you’re not, they’ll know it. It’s a mistake when parents make their children feel responsible for their happiness, not uncommon when a spouse passes and they make their children their life. This happens when divorcees, widows or widowers choose to stay single and become empty nesters when their children move out. Eventually, your kids will move out to create a life of their own. Many single parents end up relying too much on their children for their happiness because they haven’t created a life for themselves outside of being a parent. That’s a part of who you are; don’t let it define you. It’s not only important, it’s vital to develop a great relationship with yourself and create a good life, a well rounded life with passion and purpose that’s a wonderful example for your children. Doing this will empower you to be patient when choosing a partner, one who will be loving and supportive to you and your children. If you make a good choice, eventually, your children will accept your new relationship and understand it hasn’t diminished the love you have for your deceased husband or dishonor his memory. The best way for you to honor him is to live a joyful and successful life. 

Has enough time gone by? Only you have that answer. Will starting to date be a mistake or regret? Trust your gut; time will tell. You’re entering a new chapter in your life; it’s wise to avoid regrets and know you’re going to make mistakes. Choose to learn and grow from them. Avoid trying to recreate or compare to what you had with your husband so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Every relationship is different and won’t be the same, however, it could be better. Choosing to embrace new adventures, relationships are like going on vacation, and we generally enjoy going on vacation, a journey into the unknown, being fearless and enjoying the ride.