Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 23-year-old male in need of some guidance. I’m in my senior year of college and will be graduating soon. The first couple of years of college are a blur, and I’m not sure how I made it through personally and grade wise. It was party central, and I wasn’t making the best choices regarding alcohol and drugs. I used them as an escape. They helped me to cope with my social anxiety and the pressure of getting good grades and pleasing my parents, unnecessary pressure I put on myself. My parents have always been supportive and allowed me to be myself, maybe too much freedom and sometimes enabling. I wasn’t learning from my mistakes because I knew they would bail me out with no consequences, and they did. They enabled me to continue down a slippery slope, thinking they were being good parents and helping me. In reality, and with good intentions, they were crippling me. That’s not the issue anymore because I’m making better choices and in a better place thanks to Allie, my girlfriend of a couple of years. Since we met, we have become inseparable. We don’t live together; however, we might as well be. She’s encouraged and helped me to clean up my act. Drugs are no longer an issue, and I’ll have an occasional cocktail. I’m making better choices in all areas of my life thanks to her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me

Here’s the issue. Allie has secured a job in New York after we graduate and is going to move in with a couple of her friends who are already living and working there. I’m in the process of looking for jobs and have been offered a position in another city more than a thousand miles away. It’s a great offer in a career I covet, however, I’m terrified of regressing and falling back into old self-destructive habits without her. She thinks it will be good for us to separate, experience dating other people and start our new lives with no obligations to each other. I know deep inside she’s probably right and ultimately this will be a good thing; however, I’m struggling to accept it. Is this her way of breaking up with me and letting me down gently? I keep searching for opportunities in New York and haven’t accepted the current job offer yet. The company is pressing me for an answer, or they’ll move on. My time to make a decision is short, however, my knee jerk reaction is to say “no” and keep looking so I can be with Allie. Do I give up what could potentially be my dream job in a city that I like, or do I sacrifice that to be with the love of my life? I have yet to discuss this with Allie because I’m afraid of what her answer will be; I’m fearful of being rejected. I’m struggling to imagine my life without her. Please help.

Peter M. ~ Charlotte, NC

Hey Peter,

Breakups are challenging, even when you know it’s in your best interest. Even people in negative or abusive relationships struggle with them ending; unfortunately, the fear of being alone overpowers reasonability the majority of the time. You give Allie a lot of credit for the positive changes in your life, however, you’re the one who has implemented the strategies necessary to facilitate them. Granted, she might have been the catalyst, but you’re the one who did it. You have proven to yourself you were and are capable of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Though it may be challenging at first, you have to prove to yourself that you can do it without her. You have to believe you are capable. It’s your responsibility to take care of yourself and become the best version of Peter that you can possibly be. That’s the greatest gift you can give to your parents and those you love, especially to yourself. Doing so will keep you on the right path and help you create a good life for yourself. There are those who will say at 23 that you’re too young to really know what love is. I don’t believe it’s as much of an age thing as it is experience. 

However, I do know that it’s vital to get to know and love yourself before you can truly know and give love. You have to learn to love yourself; it’s key to a happy and healthy relationship. You now have the opportunity to really get to know yourself, what you like and what you don’t like without the influence of someone else. She has that same opportunity. Even if you decided to try maintaining a long-distance relationship which is challenging anyway, it’s difficult to go from consistently seeing each other to what I call vacation dating. As I’ve said before, it’s not the mistakes in life that are hard to live with, it’s the regrets. You mentioned you received a job offer you described as your dream job right out of the gate. Some people don’t find that in their lifetime, and giving that up might be a regret. Why pass up a sure thing for an illusion of what you think could possibly be in New York with Allie? She was the one who initiated the conversation about splitting up, and you never mentioned if you agreed to it; however, she may have her mind made up already. Do you really want to know if that’s true or enjoy the time you have left and separate amicably? In any relationship, if it’s over with one, it’s over – no matter how much you don’t want it to be. Do you want to take a chance and pass on your dream job to chase someone to New York who may not want you there? Unless someone is married, it’s usually not wise to uproot their life and move to maintain a relationship. More fail than succeed. Why replace a somewhat known, the dream job, with the unknown and gamble your growth and opportunity for uncertainty? It’s probably not in your best interest. Take the time to really get to know and love yourself, embrace the unknown, continue making good choices and, eventually, you’ll find true love. Chances are it won’t be in the Big Apple.