Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 31-year-old woman who’s been married for four years. My husband and I have a daughter that recently turned two. I’m writing to get help in navigating the relationship we have with my husband’s parents. I come from a large family; I’m one of five children. We’re all pretty close, enjoy each other’s company and are respectful of each other’s space; however, that’s not the case with my husband’s parents. He’s an only child, and they’re not respectful of our time and desire for privacy. We met and lived in Georgia and moved here when my husband’s company relocated; unfortunately, his parents followed us. From the time we got married, we’ve seen them almost every Sunday; however, since the baby’s been born, they drop in multiple times a week without permission or warning. My husband complains and is unhappy with what he views as their disrespect but won’t do anything about it. He allows his parents to do what they want because he doesn’t want to deal with the guilt and shame they make him feel. “You’d rather do that than spend time with your family” or “I guess we’re not that important” are examples of things they say to him when we try to make plans that don’t include them on a Sunday. I love my husband, but I’m starting to lose respect for him. I feel like we’re not a priority, and he’s going to allow them to dictate everything that happens in our lives. How do I get my husband to stand up to his parents without him becoming resentful? I feel trapped. 

~ Julie S., Huntersville  

Hey Julie,

This isn’t an unusual situation, there are a lot of grandparents that follow their children so that they can build a relationship with their kids and grandkids. However, that’s usually a mutually agreed upon situation. The key to making that arrangement work is to set healthy boundaries and to enforce them. Unfortunately, your husband has allowed your in-laws to make him feel guilty or shameful if he tries to set boundaries, but that’s on him. We can only feel the way we allow others to make us feel. We should only feel guilt, shame or remorse if we do something with intent to do harm, deceive or hurt someone, and that’s not what either one of you is trying to do. It’s not only okay to set healthy boundaries and protect your privacy, it’s imperative that you and your husband, as a united front, enforce them or it’ll have a negative effect on your lives and marriage. Trying to make someone feel guilt or shame is a form of manipulation, which again, can only happen to us if we allow it. Trust and respect are the two most important ingredients for a healthy relationship. Let him know how you truly feel and that the situation as it stands is threatening your relationship. If he continues to complain about his parents and their lack of respect for your privacy, ask him “If you don’t like it, what are you going to do about it?” Healthy relationships are not about sacrifice, they’re about compromise, but more important is negotiation. Can you and your husband come up with a mutually agreed upon solution, or is he even capable of standing up to his parents? Be honest about your feelings and that his parents’ involvement in your lives as it stands is not acceptable. Decide what is acceptable for you in regards to them and communicate that to your husband. Come up with a mutually agreed upon solution so that he gets the time he needs with his parents, and you get the privacy you need to create harmony in your relationship. Be firm in enforcing the boundaries you both choose to implement, yet fair in the amount of time you allow for them to spend with you and the baby. As a parent, in regards to choices my grown children make, I realized a long time ago, I have no say. In regards to you and your husband’s choices, his parents have no say.