Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 32-year-old man who’s been married to a wonderful woman for 5 years. We recently found out she’s expecting our first child. That’s the good news and now let me tell you about the bad. First let me give you some background. I was born and raised lower middle class in New York. Growing up my mom was mentally and emotionally abusive and at times physical with both me and my younger sister. She was extremely controlling, critical and always felt she was right, regardless of the issue or circumstance. She was quick to judge and make negative comments about others, but unable to look at, or acknowledge her own flaws. Both my mother and sister are morbidly obese, my sister still living at home with my parents and collecting welfare at 30 years old. My sister has picked up a lot of the negative traits of my mother and has never dated. I doubt she’ll ever move out on her own. She’s allowed my mom to control every aspect of her life and has crippled her. Her low self-esteem and lack of self-worth has left her paralyzed. My dad has been completely emasculated by my mother and has checked out, a shell of what he once was. His weakness has kept him from leaving and quite frankly, I think he’s terrified of my mother. My embarrassment and shame kept me from developing close friendships or inviting people to my house to meet my family. I didn’t want to be associated with them. Fortunately, through sports I found a couple of great mentors. I had a couple of coaches that taught me how to stay positive and overcome adversity. They showed me that I don’t have to be defined by my past, and to use my family as an example of what I don’t want to be and be better. My family have chosen to be victims, and I refuse to embrace that mentality. 

After High School, I moved out of my parents’ home. I worked three jobs and put myself through college, slowly separating myself from my family. I applied for jobs exclusively out of state with the purpose of distancing myself from my family. I accepted an offer here ten years ago and haven’t seen or even communicated with my family since I’ve been here. This is where I met my wife, and together we have created a joyful life. We’re excited for our next chapter, becoming parents. My wife’s family is great. They live close by, and we spend a lot of time with them. My wife has never met my family and has a hard time trying to understand why I don’t want to introduce them to her and her family, especially with the baby coming. Here’s why I’m writing. I recently found out from a friend that my parents know we’re going to have a baby. My good friend who still lives in New York ran into my mother at the grocery store. He asked her if she was excited about the pregnancy, she went ballistic. She was upset that I didn’t let them know, making a scene as usual. Apparently, my parents have put their house up for sale and plan to move close to me and my wife, according to my friend. I frankly don’t want the drama in my life. Old negative feelings and fears are resurfacing. My mom will be a bull in a china shop and will feel entitled to see HER grandchild. I want to call them to let them know, I really don’t want them here. What should I do?

Jason P.

Gastonia NC

Hey Jason,

Kudos for having the courage to remove yourself from a toxic environment and creating a wonderful life for yourself. Most would have taken the easy route and allowed themselves to become a victim, you didn’t and look what you’ve accomplished against the odds. Be proud! Be kind to your wife, her intentions are honorable. It’s going to be difficult for her to understand your abusive childhood and estrangement from your family, especially since her experience with her family and upbringing was so good. Fortunately for her and unfortunately for you, she won’t ever truly understand. Be patient, we only know what’s in our own backyard. As I’ve said before, family can be the most toxic, hurtful, disappointing and hopeless word or the most loving, supportive and joyful word there is depending on the family. It’s great that you were able to find wonderful mentors that empowered you with the tools necessary to move beyond the negative and create a wonderful life for yourself. Be grateful, I believe in mentorship and for many it can be a challenge to find people to connect with. You can’t control your parents and their choices, so it’s a waste of time worrying about what they’re going to do. Right now, you don’t know for sure if they’ll sell their house and move close to you. Giving into your fear and anxiety created by something that may not even happen is allowing them to control you, and 95% of what we worry about rarely comes true. Stay calm, be patient and stay in touch with your friend to see what happens. Now’s a good time to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the possibility of them following through and moving into your neighborhood. That’ll help you keep your power and avoid succumbing to negative emotions.

If you find out they are serious about selling their home and moving near you, you might consider writing them a letter voicing your feelings and concerns. Tell them exactly why you left and haven’t tried to get in touch for all these years. Also, moving close doesn’t mean they’ll be forgiven and allowed to become part of your family. Let them know they may be disappointed when what they think will happen, doesn’t or won’t unless you’re ready and they have changed. Make it very clear what boundaries you’ll be putting in place, and they will be required to honor for you to even consider developing a relationship with them. As for you, forgiveness is a gift to yourself because it allows you to let go, to move on. However, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to allow them to continue their poor behavior. Forgive and set healthy boundaries, if you so choose. For you, there is no right or wrong here, whatever you choose to avoid having regrets. It’s not our mistakes that are hard to live with, it’s the regrets. Are you going to regret giving them a chance to become part of your family, or not? Just know that you have no obligation to your parents or sister, only to yourself, your wife and your baby. Avoid allowing yourself to be manipulated or guilted into making a decision that doesn’t work for you; don’t let shame be your guild. If your mother tries to bully you, and pushes you to do something you’re not comfortable with, say “NO.” Regardless of who she is, or thinks she is, It’s OK to say “No.”