I’m a 40-year-old woman struggling to understand our culture of judgment, criticism and betrayal because my beliefs don’t align with those of others, where good friendships and close families are splintered and have become disposable. I met my best friend in middle school. We were inseparable until recently when she decided to end our friendship. I’m crushed! I thought nothing could ever come between us. We did everything together, and were each other’s maid of honor when we got married. Our families traveled, our kids played sports and we frequently had dinner together. Our differences in philosophies regarding life, raising children, politics and religion were never an issue while growing up. They weren’t a problem because we respected each other and were mostly in alignment with our beliefs, until recently. My friend’s husband is very opinionated, somewhat controlling and strong in his opinions. In time, I’ve witnessed a change in her attitude toward life. Her beliefs have become more aligned with his. We’ve had a few candid discussions over time regarding our beliefs which I thought went well with no drama. Apparently her husband decided it was time for her to end the friendship because we aren’t aligned with his/their thoughts. It’s hard for me to understand why she would so easily throw away years of friendship for something so insignificant. Should I fight for the friendship or let it go? I’m confused.

~ Nancy R., Charlotte

Hey Nancy,

You’re not the first to write me regarding this type of situation, and I’ve avoided answering in the past because of the divide caused by political beliefs. I want to make it clear that I’m not going to discuss governmental politics or what I believe. I want to point out that politics play a part in every aspect of our lives. Family, work, government, organized sports and friendship all have a political aspect to them, and they usually fall under the category of “life’s not fair.” We’ve all experienced the loss of a friendship, being passed over for a promotion at work or cut from a team due to politics. Unfortunately, generally speaking in recent years, we’ve lost the ability to accept the beliefs of others without judgment or criticism. We do this without knowing their background or investing the time to ask why they feel the way they do. Negativity is perpetuated and fueled by the media, and we’ve been dumbed down by the internet. We’ve become lazy and don’t do our research before forming opinions and making judgments. In my presentations, I talk about the fact that we get more information in a day than someone in medieval times got in a lifetime, and that was pre-internet. We’re constantly inundated with information, and most don’t take the time to see if it’s true or not before forming opinions, reacting instead of responding. Remember, there are three sides to every story – yours, mine and the truth that lies somewhere in the middle. That’s the challenge – finding the truth. If we don’t do the research, we won’t ever know why or if something’s true or not. The challenging thing is we may never know why, however, a lot of the time, it really doesn’t matter and it is in your best interest to let it go. Your friend has to live with her husband and not you. You had mentioned that he is controlling and opinionated. Maybe he was threatened by your friendship, and wants her for himself. Again, you’ll probably never know. Now’s the time for you to be honest with yourself. Is the relationship worth trying to save? Does it still bring you joy? Remember, you’re not kids anymore. That was then and this is now, so avoid living in the past. You’ve come to a wall in your life – her husband. It’s good to try to go over, under or around that wall, however, sometimes it can’t be moved, sometimes you have to walk away.  In this case, walking away is not failure, it’s realizing your own true value.