I don’t ask, but they tell me – my inner circle of women, my casual friends, and even virtual strangers in pop-up, spontaneous conversations – things CHANGE after retirement!

While we all know this, these uber-aware, proactive women are referring to both practical matters and those that tap into our often-unspoken hopes, dreams, and even assumptions.  

And they don’t hold back:

• “I told him that just because I no longer go to the office, I don’t plan to cook for him three times a day. I’m signing up for dinner, but that’s it.”
• “I never said we’d live together after I retire! I’m perfectly happy staying in my own home and expect that he’ll stay in his. Why change now?”
• “He’s always been a homebody and I’m ready for adventure. So do I try to drag him along, or just get some girlfriends to go with?”
• “I was completely thrown when he told me we should think about relocating across the country to be near the grandkids. I’m happy right here!” 

I hear you, girlfriend! And if I were speaking with your man, I’d probably hear similar questions, concerns, and frustrations – because it does go both ways! 

You may think that “after so many years,” most couples would just settle in for the rest of the ride together. But that trend has shifted. Perhaps you’ve heard the term “gray divorce”? It refers to couples aged 50 and over, particularly those in long-term marriages who call it quits. In fact, divorce rates: 

among older couples have risen dramatically since 1990 

for those 50 and older has roughly doubled

for those 65 and older, has tripled. 

These are sobering statistics. And because retirement is a new stage in life and a major change for both partners, it makes good sense to get ahead of the questions and challenges that may arise. For this, as with all major life changes, honest talk and respectful, thoughtful negotiation is key. 

A Gentle Reminder

No matter how well you know your partner, remind yourself that each person’s experience of retirement is unique. A long time in the making, it’s filled with a mix of hopes, dreams, expectations and yes, some fears.

Launch on a positive note

Whether you are just embarking on your individual or mutual retirement journey or already in the midst of it, think in terms of creating something new together. I love how my friend, S, did this: 

“I just said to Joe: ‘You know, now that we are finally here with the empty house and our jobs behind us, let’s really think about how we want to live.’” 

In their case, he had already retired, but now she was leaving the workforce and planning to be at home, with her Joe. She had the wisdom to anticipate that how they each thought that might play out would be quite different. They were able to get ahead of the challenges. 

Finances

When that steady paycheck becomes a thing of the past for one or both partners, it’s time to review everything related to finances. This includes the household budget, of course, but also ongoing financial management. Many couples engage a financial advisor to provide objective, knowledgeable input that can head off potential conflicts. One couple I know well decided that after ten years of coupledom, it was time to put a couple of rings on it. Shortly thereafter, they connected with an advisor to help them sort out their financial picture. 

Household Management and Chores

Remember the woman who declared that she would only be responsible for making dinner? Well, they talked, and he understood. The point is that regardless of the arrangements that were in place pre-retirement, the entire list should be up for review.  

Time Together, Time Apart

Remember the other woman with wanderlust married to the homebody?  She realized that it would be unfair to try to “make him change” so drastically. They compromised by finding things close to home that they could enjoy together, while she also scheduled trips with her girlfriends. 

I don’t want to oversimplify. Negotiating changes like these can be prickly and may take some time to work through. That’s why having empathy for where your partner is coming from and being willing to compromise are the keys to retirement success – for both of you.