Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 58-year-old man who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been married to my wonderful wife for almost 40 years. We started a business together in our early twenties that has thrived. Working together all these years, we’ve successfully balanced our personal and professional lives, and we’re as close as we’ve ever been. We’ve raised two amazing kids and recently welcomed our first grandchild. Our success allowed us to sell our business for an amount that will enable us to live comfortably for the rest of our lives. A couple of years ago, we made the decision to retire here in North Carolina. The transition has been wonderful, and overall, life has been great.

My wife was one of the most upbeat and positive people you could ever meet. She always saw the good in people and was the first to offer help when needed. The only issue we struggle with is our communication at times. I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve and want to deal with issues right away. My wife tends to bury or hide her feelings and brush things under the rug. Denial sometimes becomes her coping mechanism. We were extremely active and very involved in the community until I started feeling sick about a year ago. We were in a good place physically and emotionally.

That was then, and this is now. Since my diagnosis, my wife has changed. In a short amount of time, she has transitioned from being a cheerful and optimistic person to a gloomy and pessimistic one. Her energy levels have plummeted, and she blames me. I’m struggling to maintain a positive attitude during my treatments, trying to be strong, loving and supportive. However, my limited energy makes it hard to be optimistic when my partner isn’t. Since my illness, I’ve lost the energy to engage in most of the activities we used to enjoy, and I believe she resents this. We used to have the ability to sit in silence and simply enjoy each other’s company. Now, when we’re alone together or in the car, she can’t remain silent. She needs to talk, and most of our conversations revolve around negative topics. I understand that she loves me and wants to help, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to be around her. My stress levels are skyrocketing, and not good for recovery. What can I do to support her and help her regain her former kindness and love? I want to heal and reclaim my wonderful wife and life. I would greatly appreciate your guidance.

Bruce M. ~ Charlotte, NC

Hey Bruce,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. As the survivor of a traumatic brain injury, I can relate to how stress and fear can hinder the healing process. During your treatment, it’s crucial to minimize, if not eliminate, as much negativity and stress as possible. Your situation is unfair, but not uncommon. With the right attitude and commitment, you can overcome it. Focus on your healing, and establish an environment conducive to open and honest communication with your wife. This can be challenging for most couples. You both need to work together to create a safe space to be honest without consequences. Then, you can negotiate a solution that allows you to concentrate on your healing and her to feel secure.

I understand your dilemma. While maintaining a positive outlook is crucial, it can be difficult to maintain a good attitude when you consistently feel bad. As much as your wife wants to understand, she can’t because she’s not going through it. Be patient with her; we only know what’s in our own backyard. I recently spoke to a group of 300 Alzheimer caregivers about coping mechanisms and their challenges. The common thread among the group and anyone caretaking someone with an illness is the fear of the unknown. Once fear takes hold, it’s hard to mitigate, let alone eliminate it. Your wife’s anger stems from her fear. Most anger is rooted in fear. More than a year ago, you were both happy, healthy and enjoying the life you created together. That’s changed, yet it’s important for both of you to keep telling yourselves, “this is temporary,” and continue doing the things that physically and mentally expedite your healing. I encourage you both to find a cancer support group for couples and explore ways to reconnect.

When you decide to get married, your commitment is to take care of each other which is easier when you’re both healthy. However, it becomes more challenging when adversity arises. You don’t want to burden your wife, so you choose to stay quiet, and when you’re quiet, she doesn’t know what to say or do. You mentioned that she’s become pessimistic and that her comments are mostly negative. Fear can do that, and she’s afraid, just like you are! It’s sometimes challenging for men to open up about our feelings because we’re not wired that way. I believe that revelation breeds intimacy. The one certainty in life is uncertainty, and it’ll be liberating for you to let her know that you’re afraid, too. Healthy, honest communication will help you both find peace and allow you to focus on your healing. Equally important, it’ll help your wife rediscover her genuine, positive and upbeat self.