Dear Dr. Keith,
I’m a 34-year-old woman embarking on a journey of self-discovery and creating a fulfilling life through therapy and self-reflection. This process of self-evaluation has been challenging, forcing me to confront myself, my relationships and the impact of my choices on my life. I’ve finally realized that only I can truly make positive changes by becoming accountable and responsible for everything that happens in my life. This revelation has been both enlightening and painful. I’ve had to look closely at the people I have relationships with and came to the conclusion that many of them no longer fit into my life.
I haven’t had many close friends in my life, which is why I decided to change and grow. I finally realized how miserable and lonely I’ve been. My friendships were short, superficial and unfulfilling. Dating has been difficult at best, and wherever I went, drama followed. I blamed everyone else for my unhappiness and couldn’t understand why people avoided being around me. I took a lot of my frustration out on my family, which I now realize was unfair. I was a bad friend and daughter, a spoiled brat. When I finally realized the common denominator in my failed relationships was me, I decided it was time to change. I’m currently working on it.
The one friendship I’m struggling to let go of is with my childhood best friend. She’s getting married, and we had always planned for me to be in the wedding party. Over the past few years, the only time I heard from her was when she needed something from me. There was never any reciprocation when I was struggling. I felt like it was better to have one bad friend than no friends at all. So, I took the time off from work to attend her bachelorette party and wedding. That was before she ghosted me, and I found out I wouldn’t be a part of the wedding party. She was afraid to tell me, so I called her and asked about the wedding. Her first comment was, “Are you coming to the bachelorette party? If not, I need to let the others know their cost will be more.” I had hoped to get a different response. I really don’t feel like going now, however, she’s my oldest friend. What are your thoughts?
~ Annabeth, Davidson, NC
Hey Annabeth,
Good on you! The journey to self-awareness can be daunting and painful, but enduring the pain and staying the course will yield great rewards and ultimately lead to a better life. As I’ve mentioned in prior columns, the most important relationship you’ll form is the one with yourself. By doing so, you’ll begin making better choices and setting healthier boundaries. You’ll also start to recognize your own value and make better decisions when choosing your friends.
One of the most difficult things we can do in our lives is look in the mirror and acknowledge our flaws. It’s much easier to blame others for our mistakes, poor choices and negative situations. Most of us struggle with change, but positive change can be beneficial. Choosing to be a victim hinders our growth, and it sounds like you’re beginning to experience the benefits of becoming a better person.
When discussing relationships, I emphasize the importance of focusing on the quality of connections. Avoid self-judgment based on the number of friends you have or the length of your friendships. Instead, prioritize the quality of the people you choose to include in your life. I’m often astounded when people boast about their social media friend count. Most of these connections aren’t even acquaintances, let alone friends. In my opinion, calling someone a true friend is as significant as expressing love, and good friends often become family. Be patient and wise in choosing your friends, and treat yourself with love, reverence and respect. Remember, how you treat yourself is what you model to others. Now that you’re on a journey of self-improvement, you’ll become a better friend and develop healthier relationships.
When dealing with your friend, the bride, don’t let the illusion of her being a good friend before your transformation cloud your judgment as you continue on your journey of self-discovery. Be honest with yourself – are her actions those of a true friend? Your childhood friend isn’t showing up as an adult. You owe her nothing, but you owe yourself everything. She’s shown no loyalty to you, so why would you feel compelled to attend a bachelorette party and wedding if you’re not wanted? Is the investment of your time, energy and money worth taking the chance of further disappointment? Perhaps your friendship has run its course. Her ghosting you and excluding you from the wedding party might be a sign that it’s time to move on from this relationship. Maybe you’ve outgrown it. Don’t dwell on what was; look at what is. Should you attend or not? There’s no right or wrong answer, but trust your gut. What would the new and improved Annabeth do?
