Dear Dr. Keith,

I am a 62-year-old Jewish woman who has been married to my husband for 42 years. We have two children – a 35-year-old son and a 32-year-old daughter. My son is somewhat of a loner and probably won’t ever get married. My daughter, on the other hand, has been in a relationship for a couple of years, which has been quite disappointing for me. Although he seems like a good enough guy, my daughter hasn’t brought him around much, and we haven’t had the opportunity to get to know him. She has avoided spending time with us and has even said that I’m too controlling and judgmental. When I asked my son if he felt the same way as his sister, he avoided the question. He fears confrontation. I think he’s a little afraid of me and won’t stand up to me. He’s just like his father.

I am a strong, independent woman with firm beliefs. I am closer to my son than my daughter because he allows me to be a part of his life, which I appreciate. We talk at least four times a week, either at our house or on the phone. My daughter, on the other hand, is not as involved. I keep telling her that I am her mother and that she should make more time to see me and her father, confide in us more and be more like a good daughter. I have invited her and her boyfriend to dinner on numerous occasions, but they have consistently turned me down. They do occasionally come by on holidays.

My concern with her boyfriend is that he’s Catholic, not a good Jewish boy, and says he’s uncomfortable coming over to our house because I struggle with his faith choice, which I do. I’ve made it clear to my daughter that I don’t want her to marry outside our faith. I felt she was wasting her time dating this guy. Apparently, what I said and felt doesn’t matter. She surprised us when she accepted our Thanksgiving dinner invitation and announced that she was getting married and renouncing her Jewish roots to transition to Catholicism. I’m devastated. My mother is probably rolling around in her grave, and my husband and son are on her side. They say it’s her choice and none of our business, and they’ll love and support her no matter what she chooses. I’m her mother; how is it not my business? I’m so angry at all three of them. I feel disappointed, betrayed and confused. Where did I go wrong?

~ Hannah W., Charlotte

Hey Hannah,

I understand that you’re struggling with your daughter’s choices, especially since they don’t align with your vision for her. However, it’s important to remember that it’s her life, not yours. Letting go of your attempts to control her choices and life would be in your best interest. A helpful exercise for you would be to reflect on yourself. Are you the controlling and judgmental person she accuses you of being? Are these the reasons behind your son’s fear of you? Be honest with yourself. Only then can you initiate positive change within yourself and your relationships. 

You’re trying to regain control at the cost of your most important relationships, which have been damaged. Instead of taking responsibility for your role in their downfall, you’re blaming your daughter. Is it too late to salvage the situation? Probably not. As her mother, you have the advantage of making a difference if you choose to respect her choices and support her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. This will help you earn her trust and begin the journey of mending your fractured relationship.

I used to tell my kids, “You have my ear to listen, my shoulder to lean on and my arms to catch you when you fall. However, your legs better be strong because I’m going to pick you back up to stand on your own two feet!” Let her stand on her own two feet! Teach yourself to be a good listener. Be supportive of her choices and a soft place for her to land. I learned a long time ago that when our children are grown and self-supportive, and it comes to their decision making, we have no say! Honor and respect that, and she’ll come back to you.

Her religion and the man she marries are things you have no say in. Keep trying to control and judge her, and she’ll continue to distance herself. I was raised Catholic, and I can tell you that Jewish and Catholic guilt doesn’t work. Avoid guilt trips that create distance.

As far as which religion she chooses, both offer great messages, emphasize family values, promote kindness and encourage avoiding judgment. These are important values to consider. If her religious choices bring her joy and positivity in life, why as her mother would you want to interfere? Additionally, if she’s willing to change faiths, he must be a good man.