Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 36-year-old woman who is struggling with the behavior of my in-laws, particularly my mother-in-law. She is the most self-centered, self-serving, negative and manipulative person I’ve ever met, and that’s a kind description. My husband continues to enable her behavior by constantly making excuses for her and living in denial. Her husband just walks out of the room or shuts down when she chooses to misbehave. She is constantly berating me, my parenting skills and my relationship with her son who’s afraid to stand up to her. His justification, “That’s my mom, it’s just who she is,” or he just ignores the behavior and doesn’t say anything to her.

He doesn’t want to rock the boat because I believe he’s afraid of her. My husband continually tells me to ignore her and not take it personally, and that she’s always said that no woman would ever be good enough for him or his brother. Easier said than done; I take it very personally because the things she says to me in front of my husband are horrible, and even worse when we’re alone. We’re happy in our marriage and have no other major issues. Her son and I have two children together, a four-year-old boy and a daughter who just turned one. She hardly interacts with them and refuses to hold the baby. It’s obvious she prefers her grandson over her granddaughter, definitely favors boys. Whenever we have a party, and both of our parents are invited, I can count on mine to come early and help, however, it’s not the same with my husband’s parents. They’re constantly making promises they can’t keep and blaming us at times for inconveniencing them by not planning our family events around their schedule. Again, my husband will make excuses and apologize to them. As much as it hurts sometimes, I’ve become somewhat numb to her negativity, harsh words and poor behavior. However, the excuses and enabling from my husband are becoming more challenging, and I’m having difficulty holding my tongue. I feel he’s choosing his parents over his family, his mom over me. I’m losing respect and starting to resent him. Am I wrong to feel this way? I don’t want to become a nag, however, I don’t want it to negatively affect our relationship and push us apart which is the direction it’s currently going. Please advise.

~ Sharon Q., Mooresville NC

Hey Sharon,

Family issues can be extremely challenging, however, they should never be hurtful. I don’t agree with the belief that some people embrace – when you marry a person, you marry their family. Ideally, we want to believe that we’ll be accepted by our spouse’s family with open arms, hopefully liking and eventually learning to love each other. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. The question you need to ask yourself is, if you weren’t married to your husband, would you choose to have his mother in your life? One of the greatest things we possess is our free will, freedom of choice. We get to choose who we have in our lives. The older we get, the more we realize the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive and supportive people. Your only obligation is to yourself and your family, not your husband’s family. It’s not only okay, it’s vital to separate yourself from those who are disrespectful and hurtful to you and especially to your children, even if they’re family. As I’ve said before, I believe relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice. More importantly, they’re about negotiation, and it sounds like it’s time for you and your husband to come to some sort of understanding in regard to his parents. Your husband will continue to make excuses for his mother as long as you’re afraid to call him out; it’s a coping mechanism that’s helped him deal with her throughout his life. Denial is powerful. You have to be honest with him regarding your feelings and let him know that his lack of perceived caring and inability to stand up to his mother is threatening your marriage. 

Don’t assume he knows how you feel, assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Also, he may be subconsciously trying to protect his father who has to live with her and is probably too scared to leave. Guilt is powerful, and your husband may believe he abandoned his dad when he chose to marry you. Your best weapon is open and honest communication and getting your husband to agree on setting healthy boundaries with his parents. You need to be a united front in enforcing them, and his mom will be the biggest challenge. She’ll probably try to make your life difficult, however, you don’t need to kill the fire breathing dragon, you just need to put out her fire and render her helpless.