Dear Dr. Keith,

I am the mother of a 21-year-old man who isn’t making the best of choices, what I believe to be addictive behaviors regarding alcohol and drugs. My husband and I are doing everything we can to help him, yet he continues to be disrespectful, defiant and physically and emotionally abusive. We’ve caught him lying and stealing money from us a few times to support his addiction. Enforcing rules hasn’t been our strong suit, and we’ve allowed him to get away with his poor choices and bad behavior with little or no consequences throughout his life. We’ve not had any issues with his older sister who is a high achiever and has found success in her life, a great job, good friends and a bright future. I believe that might be part of the problem – his jealousy and resentment towards his sister. He also struggles with the decision I made to divorce his biological father when he was 12 which is hard for me to understand because his dad wasn’t present when he was young and still isn’t now. We’ve made his life as easy as we possibly can, minimizing his responsibilities around the house so he can focus on getting his college degree. Yet, he still treats us poorly and is struggling with his grades. He says he hates his life and blames his failures on us. Deep down inside, he’s really a good kid, and I’m optimistic he’ll turn his life around. I don’t want him to be too hard on himself because he’s already struggling, and I don’t want him to hate me. What can I do to help him? I want to make him happy, but I don’t know what to do. Please help.  

~ Sarah K., Charlotte

Hey Sarah,

As parents, we’re usually at peace when our kids are thriving, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. Idealistically, you want to believe your son is a good kid; realistically, he’s not. Good kids/people don’t lie, steal or physically and mentally abuse others. When you choose to look at your son realistically, you’ll be able to set healthy boundaries and implement strategies/rules that will help you both, as long as you’re willing to enforce consequences. It starts with you. Enabling is disabling and entitlement cripples. Your daughter’s success is no excuse for his failures, because there is no excuse for bad behavior. By the way, he’s a 21-year-old man, not a kid anymore, and you need to start treating him as such. If he’s struggling in college, maybe it’s time to look at other options; he might not be a college guy. Trade schools are a great option. The plumbers and electricians of the world are doing well because of the demand for their services, and the lack of licensed professionals. He can only treat you poorly if you allow it, so stop allowing it. Stop parenting him out of fear of him being unhappy or not loving you because that gives him the power to manipulate you. If you choose to do anything in life fear based such as running a business, relationships or raising kids, you’ll lose. Our job as parents is to teach our kids to be accountable, adaptable, responsible, respectable and resilient in a world that is not fair and is constantly changing. This can’t happen if it’s not required. It’s time for you to toughen up and set healthy boundaries with your son and allow him to make his mistakes without you saving or covering up for him. That’s the way we learn – from our mistakes if we choose to. He may not like you for it, but ultimately, he’ll learn to respect you. If you give a man a fish, he’ll feed his family for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll feed them for a lifetime. It sounds like it’s time to teach your son how to fish.