Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 34-year-old recently married woman. My husband and I are both incredibly successful at our young age and are content with our lives. We’ve been dating for a while and prioritized our careers before getting married. Now, we’re discussing starting a family. I’m almost embarrassed to write this because, overall, I’ve been blessed in my life. However, my story illustrates that growing up in a wealthy family doesn’t come without challenges. A healthy economic status doesn’t guarantee a great life. No matter how much money you have, problems arise, and no one is immune.

As a member of an affluent family, I never lacked for anything. However, I always felt the pressure to fulfill certain expectations, some of which were reasonable, while others were not. My mother’s family business sustained our lifestyle. Her father was a well-respected businessman and a pillar of our community. When he retired, my mother took over and insisted that my dad take a job within the company to keep an eye on him. She’s incredibly controlling. She uses her wealth and status to manipulate and control others. She was able to do the same to me until I graduated from college, started my own company and became self-sufficient. She often threatened to withhold my college funding if I didn’t comply with her wishes. I learned how to play her game early and managed to thrive despite her emotional abuse. I never took her criticism, judgments and negative comments seriously, realizing they were just alternative methods of control. I have my husband and great friends to love and support me, and I’ve limited the time I spend with my family. It’s been wonderful.

Here’s the issue – I wouldn’t let my parents pay for our wedding, which drove my mother crazy realizing she had no say, no control. Now that I’m married, she wants to see us more often and get more involved in our lives. She’s already starting to pressure us about having children. She’s making plans for the holidays and assumes we’ll be a part of them. My husband and I have already made plans to be out of town for Thanksgiving, a romantic getaway, and to visit my husband’s family for Christmas. I’m afraid to tell my mom. She’ll probably go ballistic, threaten to disown us or cut us out of the will. That might not be a bad thing if it happens. Am I being selfish or unfair? Why do I feel guilty? I’m feeling confused.

~ Samantha B., Charlotte NC

Hey Samantha,

Navigating the holidays with family can be a real challenge. Some people are fiercely attached to traditions, and I believe it’s important to honor them. However, when you choose to get married, it’s crucial to be flexible with them. You’ll have two families to work with, and pleasing both can be difficult at times. Your primary responsibility is to your husband, so now would be a good time to create your own traditions and invite your families to participate on your terms. Setting healthy boundaries with your family is crucial, and the sooner you do it, the better. If you wait until you have children, their expectations and pressure to be involved will only increase. You are entitled to start your own traditions without your parents’ consent, and it’s your decision whether to include them or not. More importantly, don’t let the weight of their expectations ruin your holidays.

Unfortunately, your mother associates power with monetary value. While this might be true in the business world, it’s not necessarily the case in personal relationships. I want to clarify that I’m referring to monetary value, not wealth. In my opinion, true wealth has nothing to do with money. I believe it encompasses factors like good health, a loving family and friends, joy, healthy self esteem, self worth and a fulfilling career that supports a lifestyle of contentment.

I admire your courage in breaking free from your mother’s control and forging your own path. Many people would succumb to manipulation and threats, allowing themselves to be controlled by money and fear. However, you’ve already demonstrated your strength and resilience. Use that strength to overcome any guilt you may feel.

Remember, the only times we should feel guilty, ashamed or remorseful are when we intentionally harm, deceive or hurt someone. Since your intentions are not harmful, you have no reason to feel guilty. Don’t let your mother make you feel that way. Your goal is to create a wonderful life for you and your husband, and that’s not selfish; it’s the right thing to do. You have the freedom to choose who gets to be a part of your life. Choose to surround yourself with good, supportive people and mitigate or eliminate the time you spend with the negative, even family. Don’t allow fear to be your guide. Establish healthy boundaries with your mom, and if she wants to be involved, she’ll comply.