Dear Dr. Keith,

I am a 22-year-old male who recently graduated college with a degree in fire science. My dream since I was a kid was to grow up and become a firefighter. I’ve been a standout athlete my entire life, a blessing and a curse. What was a blessing when I was young has become a curse as I have gotten older. I started loving and playing sports when I was in preschool. When I started playing organized sports, I excelled and was either the best or one of the best players on my team. Baseball became my passion, and I started playing it exclusively year round when I was 11. Little League, traveling teams and tournaments were a huge part of my life. Eventually, I made the varsity team my freshman year in high school, earning all-league and all-state honors my junior and senior years. Pro scouts took notice, however, I opted to accept a full ride scholarship to play baseball in college. This was the blessing and now the curse.

My father met my mother in high school, both kind of shy and antisocial. They gravitated toward one another and eventually started dating. They married right out of high school. My father never went to college and took a job at an oil refinery. My mom continued her education, graduated with a nursing degree and landed a great job in the local hospital. My mom flourished in her new career and developed great friendships and confidence. My father became disillusioned with his job and his life. My parents decided to have a baby, thinking that would give him a sense of purpose and save their marriage. Soon after, I was born. My dad was never an athlete and really hadn’t accomplished much in his life. I became his obsession which eventually led to my mother leaving him. He was the typical Little League dad, criticizing coaches, umpires and players and was ejected from the stands multiple times for his behavior. Even when I had a good game, he criticized my play and belittled me. Both my mother and I pleaded for him to change his ways and stop living vicariously through me; he wouldn’t. He became an embarrassment to me and couldn’t control himself. I learned to cover for him and make excuses for his poor behavior. The balance and wisdom of my mother kept me sane, however, as time went on, I started to lose my love for the game. I wanted to quit playing baseball after high school, but my mom couldn’t afford to put me through college, so I accepted my scholarship. My mom was my rock.

Here’s my dilemma. My dad only knows me as a baseball player and not a person. After my parents split, the only time I saw him was at my baseball games and practices. Important events in my life such as birthdays and graduations, he was a no show. It was my mom who made sure I was at practices, games and tournaments; she financed everything. Sans baseball, my dad was pretty much non-existent in my life. To her credit, my mom never bad-mouthed my dad even though he never paid child support. He has had difficulty holding a job. Whenever I try to discuss giving up baseball with him, he gets angry. His blanket statement to me; “What do I say to people when my son gives up the chance to be a professional baseball player to be just a firefighter? How do I explain that?” I’ve stopped trying. I have one year of eligibility left to play baseball due to an injury my sophomore year. My dad is pressuring me to play. I have started the interviewing process with a couple of fire departments, and my prospects look good. My fear is, if I give up baseball, my dad will remove himself from my life. I hate the thought of letting him down and losing him, however, I dread the thought of playing baseball. What I once loved, I now despise. Please advise.

~ Joshua D., Charlotte, NC

Hey Joshua,

I’m sorry you’ve lost the love for a game you truly enjoyed. Unfortunately, this is too common a story. Parents live vicariously through their children by criticizing and putting unnecessary pressure on them, ultimately destroying the joy of participating in sports, dance, voice and many other extracurricular activities. I’m a firm believer that, if it’s not enjoyable, it’s not worth doing. These types of activities are meant to be fun and bring joy to the participants, as well as their spectators. Competition can be healthy, but it breeds ugliness in some, which is unhealthy. Sometimes ego, like in many other aspects of life, rears its ugly head and brings out the worst in people. Throughout history, it’s destroyed numerous relationships and has led to many parents, coaches, teachers, politicians and others in positions of authority to act poorly, make bad decisions and ruin what was intended to be a positive experience. They ignore the damage they’re doing and blame everyone/everything else when things go wrong, unwilling to acknowledge their part in its destruction. However, we can’t control what other people say or do; we can only control ourselves. If you can’t change a situation, change your attitude about it. Then, you’ll have the clarity to respond in a positive manner that’ll be beneficial to you.

Who are you living your life for, you or your father? Notice I said father and not dad. You call him dad, but I don’t believe he’s earned that privilege. Dads show up! They show up for birthday parties, back-to-school nights, picnics and all the important things in your life, not just for baseball games. They show up for the good, bad and ugly. They support you physically, mentally and emotionally. They help you financially until you’re grown and on your own. They teach you to become responsible, respectful, adaptable, flexible and resilient in a world that’s not fair; not everybody wins or gets a trophy. They become the person they want you to be, modeling good character and integrity, and choose to be a positive influence in your life. That’s a dad. Fortunately, you have that person in your life, your mom. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fathers who aren’t capable of becoming dads. Your father sounds like one of them, and he can only change if he chooses to. Again, he may never be capable of becoming your dad. He showed that he doesn’t care about what you want when he said “just a firefighter” instead of a professional baseball player. Many in my family are firefighters, police officers or first responders – honorable and rewarding professions. You’re not responsible for your father’s happiness or obligated to meet his expectations. Your obligation is to yourself and to create a life and find a career that brings you joy and contentment. 

You’re at a crossroads in your life. Do you continue to chase your childhood dream to become a firefighter, or give it up to please a man who’s manipulating you to feed his ego? I’ve worked with professional athletes throughout my career, and what allows them to become successful in their sport is their passion and dedication. If you lack that, you may toil in the minors for years and never make it to the bigs. You would be sacrificing and wasting years that could be invested in chasing your passion and dream. For what? A selfish and unhappy man who doesn’t accept and love you for who you are and what you want for your life. That’s wasted time and energy. You’re afraid of him removing himself from your life if you give up baseball. Sounds like he did that in all other aspects of your life already. Something to ponder. If he wasn’t your father, would you choose to have him in your life? If the answer is no, you have your answer.