Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 37-year-old woman married to a wonderful man and the mother of a precocious three-year-old daughter. I am grateful to be able to stay at home and raise my child. Fortunately, my husband has a career that allows me to do so, and we can afford it. We’re not wealthy, but we’re comfortable. I have a couple of issues I’m struggling with and need some guidance. I’m kind of torn. I feel guilty for not contributing financially to our family. I’m college-educated and had a great job before we decided to have a baby. I was paid well and loved what I did. My father preached the importance of getting my degree and being independent and never becoming dependent on a man. That’s part of my struggle. I feel I’ve disappointed my dad. He tells me he’s proud of me and shows me he does; however, I’m having a hard time believing him. The bigger issue is that my husband wants to have another child and keeps pressuring me to go off birth control. I haven’t as of yet. I’m not sure I want to be pregnant again, let alone have another child. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, and our daughter has overall been a good baby/toddler compared to most. I’m not sure I want to be pregnant and raise another child. Now that she’s older, my husband and I are reconnecting physically and emotionally. We’re going on dates, family outings and trips. It’s much easier now than when she was an infant. I’m enjoying our family time together, and I’m not sure I want to give that up. 

My husband seems to forget I suffered through horrible postpartum depression. I remember how awful it was, and as much as my husband tried to understand, he couldn’t. How could he? He was supportive and loving but seems to forget how awful it was for both of us. It almost led to us splitting up. I’m fearful of damaging the relationship with my husband if I say no to having another child and disappointing him. Also, I’m terrified of saying yes and going through the trauma of postpartum depression again. I’m scared of moving backward instead of forward. I’m planning on working again once our daughter starts going to school. As much as I enjoy being a full-time mom, I miss working. I enjoy the challenge and having adult time, which is limited when you’ve made the decision to be a stay-at-home parent. I hate this feeling: damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being selfish if I say no to having another child? Will my husband lose respect for me? Is it wrong to raise an only child and deprive her of having a brother or sister? I’m struggling, please help…

~ Elizabeth S., Davidson, NC

Hey Elizabeth,

It’s great that you’ve been able to stay home and raise your daughter. The first few years of a child’s life are key to success in their adulthood. Parenthood is one of the most challenging, rewarding and important jobs in life, though not easy. The confusion you’re feeling is understandable, and you’re right, your husband will not be able to understand what you went through after your daughter was born. Of course, he’s not going to be able to truly understand the postpartum depression you experienced. He hasn’t and won’t ever experience the emotional roller coaster that is pregnancy. Feelings are never wrong. You feel what you feel, and there’s no reason to apologize for that. More importantly, look at what makes you feel the way you do, and be honest with yourself and your husband. That will lead to long-term success in your relationship. I’m the father of a wonderful young woman who is always trying to do the right thing no matter what she does in life. I’ll give you the same advice I gave her. Be true to yourself and avoid compromising or sacrificing who you are to fit in or please others. That will enable you to set healthy boundaries and make good choices. That alone will improve the quality of your life. Know that you were not put in this world to meet the expectations of others, and the healthy choice would be to stop trying to. That includes your husband and father. If they’re good men, and it sounds like they are, they’ll learn to accept your choices and ultimately respect your decision. 

I firmly believe that if you live your life fear-based, you’ll lose in every aspect of your life. Whether it’s running a business, raising children or just doing life, fear will diminish its quality. More importantly, you’ve got to be honest with yourself. Do you really want another child, or would you be having one just to please your husband? If it’s the latter, it’s not a good reason to get pregnant again. When your desire to start working again gets delayed a few years to raise another child, will you start to resent him and ultimately grow apart? Just a couple of things to consider. My advice is to make a list of the pros and cons of having another child and negotiate a solution that works for you both. Honesty is the best policy and starts with being honest with yourself; the yellow brick road to finding clarity and peace within you and your relationship.