My penchant for organization may be rooted in my DNA, but I also know that it had its kickstart in the fifth grade when my friend Valerie raised a critical eyebrow and asked “Why is your desk such a mess?” It was true. I had pencil stubs and crumpled paper crammed in with books and other stuff. Crushed to the core, I cleaned up my act and never looked back. 

Feedback That’s Hard to Hear

At 10 years old, a dose of pre-adolescent shaming was the impetus behind my behavior change. But, the organizing habit, I soon realized, was a skill I could hone and apply to many things in life. Thank you, Valerie! 

 Feedback, though, can be hard to hear, at any age. Particularly when:

• Someone shares a perception that flies in the face of how you see or want to see yourself. 
• It reinforces an old sense of yourself that you’re trying to change.  

Sometimes, you just want to say “enough already with the feedback!” 

Feedback Reset: Seven Tips

I’ve come a long way from feeling ashamed of the sub-par state of my fifth grade desk, but only because I’ve reset my relationship with feedback. Here’s how:   

1. Put Feedback in Perspective

Remember that feedback is perception and interpretation of your behavior and its impact. It isn’t inherently right, wrong, good, bad or absolute. Example: You come home from work, and your significant other says “Aren’t we grumpy tonight?” You could snap back with a nasty retort like “Look who’s talking” or, defend yourself by saying “You have no idea what I had to deal with today!” Or, you could…

2. Pause Between the Stimulus and the Response  

Train yourself to rein in that initial reaction that deflects or defends because it is a waste of energy. Being still and silent, even for a few seconds, allows you to interrupt an “automatic reaction” that might damage the relationship and prevent anything meaningful from occurring next. 

3. Separate the Sender from the Message 

You’ve got history or, at least, a shared context with this person who is making observations about you. It shapes how you hear them and the assumptions you make about their intentions: she’s saying this to help me; OR she’s out to get me; he’s always second guessing me; OR he doesn’t want me to fail. If you get stuck here, it’s difficult to…

4. Look for the Learning 

It is valuable for us to consider how others perceive and interpret our words and actions. If a co-worker says: “You come off as abrupt, and it shuts people down.” You could say:

“That’s your perception” which would shut her down and put an abrupt end to any learning.

“Thank you for sharing” which is just plain faux courtesy. It sounds polite and respectful, but it’s usually dismissive and again cuts off conversation and potential learning.

The alternative is to look for the learning by opening yourself to hearing what you don’t see, what you don’t want to see or that you see differently by asking:  

“Really? That’s not at all how I see myself. I want to understand what you mean. Give me an example.” 

“I do? How?” 

By listening to the response, you have a different lens through which to consider the impact of your words and actions on others. 

Take the significant other who refers to you as grumpy. His observation may make you aware of how discouraged you’re feeling. That can be a valuable insight, a learning time for you!  

5. Cut Some Slack

      Despite the learning, you may also feel a little hurt or sad. Maybe your perception is that the person’s examples were exaggerated. If you don’t let that go, you won’t be able to use that learning because it is tainted by your resentment. 

6. Bask in the Beautiful

Many of us are conditioned to diminish our strengths and gifts when others point them out, or we’re relentlessly and impossibly hard on ourselves. Rein that in, then remind yourself to bask in the beautiful. Relish and be grateful for your strengths, gifts and talents. Then, simply say “Thank you.”

7. Set Your Own Course

 Remember that you can choose to use the feedback you receive for positive learning and personal change. 

The next time you’re struggling with a work project, you might just tell your significant other which can start a very different conversation.  

So much good can come from a little feedback.