Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 28-year-old man facing a few life decisions. The teachings I’ve received about effort and loyalty haven’t been helpful, leading me to question my choices and future. My parents were wonderful. They were encouraging, supportive and emphasized the importance of responsibility and accountability for our actions. We were rewarded for our good behavior and faced consequences for our mistakes. Overall, they did a great job preparing us for real life, which they always said (and I’m currently experiencing) is not fair. My current situations have left me confused, and I can feel a bit of depression creeping in. I know I have a few decisions to make, but avoidance has become my response. I feel paralyzed.

One of my primary concerns revolves around work, while the other is related to my relationship with my girlfriend. Let me begin with work. I currently work for a large corporation in sales, having graduated college shortly before. My original boss was exceptional. She was approachable, knowledgeable and an excellent mentor. I thoroughly enjoyed coming to work every day and quickly became one of the top salesmen in my territory. My manager encouraged me to keep working hard, and she helped me get promoted within the first year of my employment. However, things took a turn for the worse when I was assigned to my new and current boss. This manager is a complete disaster. He consistently cancels meetings with me or ignores me altogether. He’s assigned me the responsibility of leading all of our team meetings and constantly criticizes everyone on our team, despite the fact that we are among the top performers in the company. I often cover for his shortcomings and have been passed over for promotions for individuals who are less deserving and not as knowledgeable, simply because he refuses to allow me to move on. I believe he is afraid that his incompetence will become apparent if I leave. My frustration and stress are at an all-time high. My parents are encouraging me to persevere, emphasizing the importance of loyalty and the eventual rewards it brings. However, I am feeling increasingly tempted to quit. I urgently need your guidance on what to do.

My girlfriend and I have been together for three great years. However, she’s been persistently pressuring me to get married. She has a specific timeline in mind for her career, marriage and starting a family. Unfortunately, I’m not ready to make that commitment due to my uncertainties and concerns. Adding more pressure is causing resentment. Thoughts?

~ Jason M., Charlotte 

Hey Jason,

I understand your parents’ perspective. We were taught that loyalty fosters loyalty, which was true for employees and corporations generations ago. That’s why many dedicated their entire working lives to one company. Unfortunately, that culture of loyalty has diminished, if not completely vanished, from most corporations. Employees are now seen as disposable and replaceable. This attitude can be detrimental to their success because it damages morale. However, most employers don’t care as long as it doesn’t affect their bottom line. 

Fortunately, your first boss was fantastic. Use her as an example of what you aspire to be. A great manager is an excellent delegator and talent developer. They are confident in themselves and want their employees to succeed, grow and get promoted. Unfortunately, your current boss doesn’t embody these qualities. Sometimes, in large corporations, people end up in positions of power due to necessity, a lack of qualified candidates or timing. While they may appear qualified on paper, they may not be capable of thriving in their role unless they have a team that succeeds regardless of their flaws. Unfortunately, that sounds like your predicament. We create our own luck and opportunities by maintaining a positive attitude and a strong work ethic. Don’t let anyone diminish your worth, especially someone like him. Wasted time and energy. You essentially have three choices: you can model the behavior you want changed, accept things as they are or leave. Just make sure you don’t quit before finding another job. You don’t want to create more stress by accumulating bills and having no source of income to pay them. Additionally, you might want to speak with someone in human resources to see if there are any lateral transfer positions available within the company.

Regarding your girlfriend, it seems like an open and honest conversation would be beneficial. Relationships aren’t about sacrificing; they’re about negotiation and compromise. Ask her, “Does she want to get married or does she want to marry you?” Her answer will provide you with clarity. In your 20s, a man should focus on building a strong career and establishing a solid emotional and financial foundation for his future, so he can support a family. Similarly, a woman who chooses to work should do the same. Unfortunately, many young people fall in love and get married too early, before they’ve fully established themselves and built a strong foundation. This often leads to them being stuck in a job they hate, becoming resentful and eventually divorcing due to their struggles. Be strong. If she’s the one, she’ll wait until you’re ready.