I’m a 63-year-old married woman who recently received a diagnosis of stage four cancer. I haven’t shared this news with anyone, including my husband, because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles. Throughout my life, I’ve been the strong one in my family, taking care of everyone, often at the expense of my own well-being. My husband and two adult children have accused me of being controlling, and as they’ve grown older and started their own families, they’ve distanced themselves from us. My husband and I tolerate each other and have remained together out of a sense of obligation to our children, not out of love. In my mind, divorce was never an option, and he felt the same way. However, we’ve been living separate lives for a very long time. I’ve gotten used to being alone, but I never felt truly lonely until now. I’m still working and fill my spare time with various activities and spending time with friends. I’ve been the person people turn to when they have problems, seeking advice or guidance. I don’t understand why my family doesn’t do the same. I suppose that’s a different issue for another time.

I’m writing because I’m terrified to share my diagnosis with my family and friends. Will they be available for emotional support? Will they even care? I’ve never wanted to be a burden, but the fear of the unknown paralyzes me. It’s not death that scares me; I don’t want to die, nor am I ready. My concern is the disappointment and hurt I’ll feel if they abandon me. Will my illness and need for my family’s support drive them further away? Trust me, I’m aware of my mistakes. I’m certain my husband and children perceive me as overbearing at times. I’ve been telling them what to do instead of listening and offering them advice. I don’t enjoy it, but I understand their need to distance themselves from me. They view my input as control, while I see it as caring. Naturally, we disagree, which terrifies me. Will they be willing to help, or even want to? Can they forgive me for pushing them away, even though my intention was always good? What can I do to open my heart and allow them to support me, even though it’s going to be a challenge for me? Regrettably, it took this diagnosis for me to gain clarity. I hope it’s not too late. Please help…

Jennifer P.

Charlotte

Hey Jennifer,

I wish you the best of luck in your journey towards healing. While it may be challenging, maintaining a positive attitude and diligently following your treatments increases your chances of overcoming this. Adversity often serves as a valuable teacher. Unfortunately, it took this diagnosis to bring clarity to certain aspects of your life, which is not uncommon. The first step is to forgive yourself for past mistakes and embrace the lessons they offer. There’s wisdom in every mistake we make if we choose to seek it out. It’s not uncommon for some couples to remain in unhealthy marriages, believing they’re doing what’s best for their children. Children are perceptive and can sense the constant bickering, apathy, and negative energy that are prevalent in troubled marriages. I’ve spoken to many adults whose parents were unhappily married and felt they would have been better off if they had divorced. This might be one reason why your children have distanced themselves from you and your husband. It would be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with them about this.

The only aspect of our lives we can truly control is our attitude. Attempting to control what others say, do, think, or feel is a futile endeavor that drains our time and energy. True control lies in the ability to release it when it serves our best interests. Now is an opportune moment to let go and concentrate on your healing. A good beginning would be to inform your family and friends about your diagnosis; they might surprise you with their supportive response. Embracing a life based on fear is detrimental, and attempting to control your future fosters anxiety, worry, and other negative emotions that hinder your healing process. You won’t know if they’re willing to help unless you ask. I believe that revelation fosters intimacy. Some people run towards adversity, while others run away from it. Whether they’re family or friends, you won’t know who they are until you let them know. Now’s a good time to be honest with them and yourself. You’ll need their help to succeed in your journey, and they need to know so they can decide if they want to join you. Don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness and help; some may say no, while others may say yes. It’s better to know one way or the other. You’ll be able to focus on your healing while reconciling and nurturing relationships with those who are willing to forgive your past mistakes and support your healing journey…