If you are one of the nearly six million people who tune into The Voice each season, I’m with you. The competition, the silliness, and oh, – the talent ! Of course, I don’t look to The Voice for pearls of wisdom, but I’m always open to it. Some of the personal stories of contestants melt my heart. Commenting  on the journey of one vocal hopeful, Judge Gwen Stefani insightfully said: “That’s right. Don’t waste your pain.”

That four word statement stayed with me all through the next day and took up residence in my thought space. With a bold backward glance at my own journey and that of others close to my heart, I asked:  How have we managed to move forward? How have we managed to not waste our pain?  Some of us experienced significant pain brought on by dysfunctional relationships, painful divorces, grief piled on by the tragic, sudden losses of loved ones. Others experienced the shock and pain of chronic or life-threatening illness, children lost in addiction, and severe personal hardship that drastically changed life as they knew it. 

There is no prettying -up here. The pain was and is real. And so is the fact that we are all still here, still standing, still moving forward. I marvel at our resiliency. In a very real way, every single one of us was profoundly changed by the crushing pain or trauma we experienced. We all know folks who don’t make it back, who succumb to depression, to unhealthy forms of escape, to self-neglect, to despair or worse.  We don’t judge because  we get it.

Gwen Stefani’s “don’t waste your pain” moment reminded me of how those I know followed that wisdom. No matter how deeply affected, they found a way to move forward. I confess that I find it hard to say that any one of us is “completely healed,” as though pain, trauma and its aftereffects can be wiped clean like a blackboard. I don’t think it works that way. Not one of us is the person we were before the you -know -what hit the fan. We’re different. We’ve been shaken to the core and have learned that what we do with the aftermath is on us. 

I’ve looked, and oh, how I have listened. Here are some of the ways we dealt with that mess so that our pain wasn’t wasted:  

We broke our silence

We laid ourselves bare to those we most trust. Ugly, raw, a hot, honest mess. Some of us sought the wisdom and experience of trained psychotherapists, psychologists, and spiritual advisors. By sharing our pain and being understood and comforted by others, we began the journey to healing. 

We challenged our thinking

Some of us asked ourselves what part we played in the pain and trauma we were experiencing. We found the grace to ask “Is there something I am supposed to learn from this? Or what can I possibly learn from this? By doing so, we chose not to be a victim of our experience.

We worked on our anger and reached for forgiveness

We recognized how our anger kept us trapped. We began to let go of the bad feelings inside of us to make room for more of the good stuff. Doing so doesn’t mean that someone who hurt you is off the hook; it only means that we are no longer allowing our angry emotions to hold us hostage. 

We channeled our pain creatively

Many of us tapped into our creativity to channel our experience. Some of us sang our way through, others wrote cathartic poetry or took a brush to a canvas. We leaned into a very personal outlet for transforming our pain. 

We reminded ourselves that we are not alone

In the throes of deep pain, trauma, or loss, we can feel completely alone and unmoored. Many of us reminded ourselves and one another that there are others who “get it,” whether that’s the shock of betrayal, the shame of sexual assault, the despair of losing a child, or being diagnosed with a deadly disease.   

We gifted our story

By walking this path, we grew in insight and strength; we understood that we needn’t waste our pain. That even this which has caused us so much suffering, can be turned into a humble yet strong offering to someone on a similar journey. 

We renewed our commitment to gratitude as the fuel to sustain us.