There is a big difference between using sound judgment and being judgmental. We use our judgment every day – cereal or eggs this morning? I need more protein. Eggs. We use it as well on life’s bigger and biggest decisions – relocate to be closer to family or stay put? Stay put, at least for now. The ability to judge is deeply rooted in our shared DNA, our evolutionary story. And, to that extent, making judgments is a very good thing indeed.

But, being judgmental is a whole other thing. It’s about being quick to criticize and to find fault. It’s about being harsh. While making assessments and forming opinions about others is part of human cognition, we cross the line when we are judgmental. You may say, Well, so what? Everyone does it, right? True…but that doesn’t make it right. In my mind, it’s problematic because this behavior stings. It can cause others to shut down or pull away from you. If being judgmental is a deeply ingrained habit, it may act as a deflection that keeps you from doing the one thing you have complete control over – working on yourself. 

Where our Judgments Come From

Being judgmental is often rooted in a combination of nature and nurture:

• A sense of insecurity and low self esteem
• Culture and social influences
• Cognitive biases
• A lack of understanding and empathy
• Fear and wariness of those who are different
• The way one was raised
• The green-eyed envy monster 

It is also true that being judgmental can provide a measure of comfort by shifting attention away from our own shortcomings and giving us a sense of superiority. Now, that’s something to think about.

Judgment Lane

I became intrigued by this topic when I found myself thinking in a judgmental way toward a casual acquaintance. If it were a once only one-off, I might let it pass. But, in the interest of personal accountability and growth, I realized that I had started down a path called “Judgment Lane.” As I looked deeper, I realized that I was being unduly harsh and devoid of empathy based on a difference in a particular value that I hold dear. Then I did THE WORK. You know, the work you do to address something that is standing in the way of you being the person you want to be or achieving a goal that matters deeply to you. 

My Personal Path 

Here’s how I got started:

I revisited that most important question…and discovered that being judgmental didn’t jibe with being the best version of me. In fact, it was a disconnect with my core values. 

Then, I asked myself these three questions: 

• Do I enjoy this person’s company? Yes!
• Does this person bring a measure of joy to my life? Yes!
• What good purpose are these “judgy” thoughts serving? Absolutely none. They make me feel like a small-minded worm. 

I then coached myself with these key thoughts in mind:

• I don’t need to be on the same page with everyone about everything. In fact, it is often both enlightening and challenging (in a good way) when I am not. I reminded myself that three of my dearest, longstanding girlfriends hold widely different political views from mine. That never gets in the way because we respect each other immensely and enjoy the richness in our friendship without needing to “go there.” 
• Being a tolerant, open-minded human is important to me. I may not completely understand your way of thinking, your choices or some of your values, and that’s okay. In turn, you may not understand all of mine. We don’t need to be mirror images of one another!
• Behavior modification takes commitment and time. I’m in! When I notice a judgmental thought, I need to challenge myself. Is this a bias of mine? Am I thinking this way because one of my deeply held values is being triggered? Then I need to think a kinder, “nicer” thought. “Bless her heart” does not count! It has to be a conscious redirect that interrupts the pattern of hanging on to the negative.
• Remember to refrain from turning the judgment inward! Cut myself a little slack, especially when I know I’m feeling anxious or particularly stressed. 

Every friend brings something rich and unique to your life. Focus on what you appreciate, and let the rest go.