When was the last time that you and your spouse spent an extended period of 24/7 together? Think about it: while “partnered,” we’ve mostly lived our lives on parallel, but intersecting tracks:

You went your way during the week and he went his, like ships in the night

He ran the kids to soccer on Saturday, while you tackled the grocery shopping.   

You went to Book Club for a Girls’ Night while he tinkered in the garage.

And the together time you did manage to eke out was something you both looked forward to. All of that can change drastically in retirement as a newfound uber-togetherness introduces a host of unexpected challenges:

“I love him to pieces but he’s driving me crazy!”

“She may want to travel all over the place, but I sure don’t!”

“I’m not signing up to be the full-time cook and housekeeper. No way.”

“Did he just win the lottery or has he forgotten that we’re on a fixed income now?”

Let’s put this into perspective: of the 20 most stressful life events, retirement ranks number 10! Is it any wonder that the number of arguments couples have increases when our work lives end? I don’t think so. 

So rather than feeling fearful of what may lie ahead, or discouraged because all of this sounds way too familiar, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Just as marriage itself, parenting, and relocating are all major life changes that you worked through together, so is retirement. You can do this in a way that works for both of you – if you put in the work.
• Just as you are and have always been on your own, individual life journey, so is your spouse. You’re married and you’re committed, but you are also two separate, unique people. And so are your expectations and experiences of retirement. You need to think it through and talk it out.    

The process of figuring out your coexistence in retirement is both individual and joint. Before you start the conversation with your spouse, you may want to first grab a notepad while you take a look inward to explore the following: 

Homebody, volunteer or something else? 

Some folks can’t wait to get off the treadmill to embrace puttering around the house. Others feel a strong desire to help others, or to take classes they had no time for while working. How are you leaning? Maybe a combined focus sounds right to you.  

Me Time versus We Time 

Be honest with yourself: how much time do you want to just “do you”? Maybe you want to garden extensively, read voraciously, or throw yourself into a fitness routine. Or perhaps you’d prefer to have a lot more time with your spouse doing shared activities. What sounds right to you?

Whose space is this?

How you want to spend your time influences your space needs and preferences. After all, there is a reason that She Sheds and Man Caves are a thing. My dear man and I enjoy both shared and separate spaces that accommodate our different interests and space requirements.  

Steady and predictable versus new and different

Do you want to take an adventurous approach to daily life, or do you prefer the known and predictable? I swear that when I talk to some of my GFs, their adventures make my head spin! 

 I thought you would handle that

To prevent misunderstanding and resentment, you’ll need to consider household responsibilities and chores. Do you want to be the Chief Operating Officer or are you more than happy to see your spouse take that on? How about the daily business of laundry, dishes, vacuuming and other chores?  

We need to talk about the budget

Retirement often involves taking a fresh look at finances. One of you may be inclined to live it up, while the other may want to tighten the purse strings. You may also consider reengaging your financial planner for a reality check before buying that dreamy weekend cabin or taking that coveted tour of the Continent! 

Now it’s your turn to identify potential or current challenges for you and your spouse to consider. Maybe these pertain to your grown children, or whether or not to mosey down to the animal shelter to round out your empty nest household? You decide. 

With your needs and preferences in mind, invite your spouse to engage in the same exploration. Keep in mind that:

Retirement is both an individual change and a change in your shared experience. You may not understand all of your partner’s needs and preferences, but it is important to respect them. 

The goal is to create something new together that works for both of you.