Dear Dr. Keith,

I am a 70-year-old man who lost my wife to a heart attack a few years ago. This isn’t a “woe is me” story. I was happily married to her for more than 25 years, and together, we raised a wonderful daughter who recently got married. This was my second marriage. I was happily married for 15 wonderful years before my first wife succumbed to her battle with cancer. Together, we raised two amazing sons. I’ve been blessed in my life to experience the joy of a loving and supportive marriage, not only once but twice. However, with both marriages, I’ve endured the pain and grief of loss. 

I’m fortunate to have children who live nearby and want me to be an integral part of their lives. They’re all married and have given me a couple of grandchildren. I cherish my time with them, and they’re incredibly welcoming. However, I sometimes feel like I’m intruding on their family time. I don’t want them to feel obligated to take care of me. I’m generally in good health, financially stable and active. I play golf and work out regularly. I’m in decent shape, especially for my age, and I’ve recently started playing pickleball. Most of my friendships over the past few years have been with my wife’s friends and their spouses, as couples. I didn’t bond individually with the husbands and haven’t kept in touch with them. Most of my time was spent with her when she was alive, and I’m comfortable being alone. My kids are worried that I spend too much time alone and are always inviting me to dinner or on family outings. I believe they feel the need to take care of me, but I don’t want to be a burden to them.

Here’s my dilemma. I’ve had an incredible life and was lucky to share parts of it with two remarkable women. I’ve been blessed with children who love and care for me and prioritize my well being. However, I’ve endured the long and painful passing of my first wife and the sudden death of my second. While I’m doing well being alone, my children’s attempts to fill my time aren’t enough. I’m feeling lonely. I enjoy having a partner and being married. Is it selfish of me to want to start dating at my age? I’ve been fortunate twice. Would I be tempting fate by potentially giving marriage another chance? Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

~ Henry P., Charlotte

Hey Henry,

You’ve been fortunate to have met and shared your life with two wonderful women and experience successful marriages with both. It’s a challenge for most of us to find one great love, let alone two, in a lifetime. Considering your age, I don’t think you’re too old to find love again. I’m not a fan of putting limits on things. Age limits and time limits hinder our ability to tap into what could potentially be possible. Are you tempting fate? Absolutely, you are. We all tempt fate whenever we take on new challenges because nothing in life is guaranteed. The question you need to ask yourself is, will you regret doing something or not doing it? It’s not the mistakes we make in life that are difficult to live with, but the regrets.

When seniors ask me if it’s too late for them to find love, I like to share the story of Paul and Audrey. Both of them were happily married and lost their spouses to illness later in life. Each had given up on finding love again. They were introduced while volunteering for Meals on Wheels. Paul was 87 and Audrey was 80 when they met. They started dating and got married quickly. They were married for seven years before Audrey passed away. Paul told me, “I don’t like comparing my marriages. They were different, but both great. However, the last seven years were the best of my life.” So, it’s never too late to find love. It may be different, maybe even better. 

I’ve never been a fan of living a life driven by fear. At a healthy 70, you have many good years ahead, and the choice of how to spend them is entirely yours. Whether you choose to be fearful or fearless is entirely up to you, but please don’t let loneliness dictate your path. Now would be an excellent time to discover something that brings meaning to your life. Consider taking a part-time job, exploring a new hobby or perhaps relocating to an active senior community. This move could provide you with the opportunity to develop meaningful connections with others during your twilight years. Avoid rushing into finding another wife. Instead, focus on cultivating friendships and relationships that are free from drama and bring you joy. Maybe love is in the cards, maybe not; you’ll know. These connections should enhance your life, not be a necessity. Prioritize developing a strong bond with yourself, so you never experience loneliness. Remember, you’re on the back nine of your life, and it’s entirely up to you whether or not you shoot a great round.