Dear Dr. Keith,

I’m a 28-year-old woman who recently became engaged to my boyfriend after dating for five years. We plan on getting married within the next couple of years, maybe sooner if we can secure the venue we want to host our celebration. We are both aligned in our beliefs, what we want in our future, where we want to live and how we plan on raising our children. There’s one area we’ve discussed repeatedly over the years and can’t seem to agree on, which has created tension and distance between us. My fiancé is a good man. He has a great job, and I’m confident he’ll be a wonderful husband, father and provider. He’s been patient and loving with me, and I’ve never doubted his loyalty, even during our fights. However, I know I’ve been responsible for the majority of our disagreements, which makes me feel a bit insecure.

Here’s the issue. My two siblings and I were raised by strict and tough parents. We were expected to follow their rules and face severe punishment if we disobeyed. We were to be seen and not heard. Although they never explicitly said it, we all felt our parents loved us, but they simply didn’t know how to express it. Hugs and kisses were non-existent. Communication within our family was poor at best. I learned about life through conversations with teachers, friends, their parents and personal experiences. The only thing my parents ever told me about sex was that I should remain a virgin until I got married. This is where the issue lies with my fiancé. He believes we should move in together and engage in intimate activities before we get married, and I believe we should wait until after for both. 

It’s becoming increasingly challenging for me to decline my fiancé’s advances and pressure to move in together. Despite our infrequent interactions, I don’t want to let my parents down. My siblings have engaged in pre-marital sex and both are pleased with their decision. My friends find it puzzling that we haven’t been intimate and express concerns about the potential negative consequences on our relationship if we don’t. They suggest that we move in together now rather than after marriage, believing that living together will enable us to truly get to know each other. However, I’m questioning their advice and wondering if I’m risking losing my man. Why am I so afraid?

~ Nancy K., Mooresville, NC

Hey Nancy,

I won’t keep you waiting for my response to your question. I believe your friends’ advice is sound. It seems like your fear stems from the possibility of disappointing your parents. Additionally, coming from a family with limited love and affection, you might be apprehensive about disappointing your future husband. Regardless of our life choices, when we embark on new experiences, there’s always a learning curve, including having sex. Initially, becoming intimate with someone can be awkward, but the more we engage, the better it becomes because we’re essentially learning on the job. Be patient and kind to yourself. If he’s a good man, he’ll be that way with you too. Throughout my career, I’ve learned that some people are affectionate but not sexual, some are sexual but not affectionate, and some are both. Hopefully, your fiancé is the same as you, which would minimize potential intimacy issues in your marriage. That’s a question that would be better addressed before marriage rather than after.

Some people downplay the significance of a healthy sexual relationship in a successful partnership or marriage. The most fulfilling relationships I’ve witnessed or experienced recognize the importance of balance, acknowledging that the physical, mental and emotional aspects are equally crucial. Mentally, open and honest communication is essential. We can’t read each other’s minds, so expressing our likes and dislikes is vital. Emotionally, mutual support and understanding are fundamental. Your partner needs to feel your unwavering backing. Physically, sexual compatibility is key. What more can you offer your partner than sexual intimacy? It also fosters a strong energetic connection. By taking care of each other in all three areas, you increase the likelihood of a successful marriage. 

Be cautious not to let the opinions of others, especially your parents, cloud your judgment and prevent you from making decisions that are best for you. Regarding your parents, you weren’t created to fulfill their expectations; it’s your responsibility to carve out your own path, and your choices will shape your destiny. Moving in with your fiancé before the wedding might be a wise decision, as we don’t truly understand someone until we live with them, and that begins when you choose to live together. Ultimately, you need to make a decision that aligns with your comfort level, as you’ll be living with the consequences of your choice. Will you regret giving in to your fiancé, or will you not? Only you can answer that question. There’s no right or wrong here; only time will reveal whether your decision was the right one.